not sure.....

As I begin this post, I don't really have anything specific that I'm planning on writing about. Perhaps as I just write random thoughts down, something "profound" will come to me.

So the school year is drawing to a close. There are just over 3 weeks left. I cannot quite believe that I'm almost done with my second year of teaching. Almost exactly two years ago, I was getting ready to come down and visit the school. At times it seems like that wasn't that long ago, then other times it seems like it was ages ago. So often I feel like it's been ages since the days of college. I feel like it's been so long since I've seen so many of my college friends, and in many ways it has been a long time. I miss the fun times we would have with each other. I miss the hanging out together and just talking. I think it's also harder, because I don't know when I'll see them again. I struggle with whether or not I'm making enough of an effort. I wonder if they would be more willing to come and see me, if I tried to see them more. It's so hard, because then I think "For some of them, I've been to where they live" or "they get to see each other more." Sometimes I just wish that someone else would make the effort. Since I've been here, I've had one person come and visit me and that was for less than 24 hours. I understand that I'm a little farther away. I'm not less than 4 hours away, so it cannot be just a quick weekend trip. But it would be nice if someone still should an interest. I guess maybe I need to express more of an interest in seeing them; letting them know that I still care about them and that I'd still like to stay in contact with them. I just sometimes worry that it's too late. It's just something that I go back and forth with a lot in my mind.

Add on top of that, the feeling like I just don't fit in quite yet around here. I still so often feel on the outside looking in. And when I try to push myself in, things just don't work the way I planned, or want them too. My counselor has mentioned on more than one occassion that I've got to go out of my comfort zone if I want to meet new people. But it's just so uncomfortable some times. Sometimes, even around the people I'm close to, I feel like a burden, like I'm depending on them too much. I don't want that to happen. It's just that sometimes I just want to scream "you just don't get it." I just want to not only know that people care, but I want to SEE it too. I want to see it in their willingness to spend time with me and to help me through things. It's just so hard, that as I sit here at school, I'm thinking about the fact that I have to go home tonight, with not exciting to do and no one waiting for me, no one to really care about my life after the school day ends.

Well, that's all for now. I'm going to check flight prices for flying to Minnesota this summer. I really need to buy my tickets, since I'm planning on leaving June 2nd.