So since about Thursday evening I've been really worried about handing back my students' latest math test. Largely because one of my students did poorly on it and her mom hasn't been my biggest "fan" all year long. I was worried that when she got it back, that I would end up getting a "lecture" from the mom and then possibly even questioned by the principal. I decided that I needed to be proactive and address the situation head on. Because of that, I not only let the student fix her test, but also do some extra credit assignments to raise her grade. I also decided to talk with the mom myself before her daughter even came home with the assignment. Originally I was just going to send her an email, but she was up at the school today, so I took the opportunity to speak to her face to face. It actually went pretty well and I'm hoping that I don't hear about it in the future. Overall, I'm glad that this part of the day is done with. I was really worried about it last night and it contributed to my falling asleep rather late.
Last night I also took a while to fall asleep, because I was thinking about "relationships" and how I've never been in one. Sometimes I just feel so pathetic and wonder if it's ever going to happen. I know that this isn't a new thought for me, but it just hasn't been bothering me much lately, especially like it did last night. It lead me to tears and I don't cry much anymore. It's just that somedays I feel so lost and alone, still. I know I've got to stop the negative thoughts, because they don't get me anywhere. But sometimes I just want to scream them all at the top of my lungs, so people would maybe understand and show that they care.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
As I Wait
It's a Friday afternoon and school is done. I'm waiting for Kate to finished with extended care. We're doing a "Girls Night" with a couple of other women. It should be a fun and late night.
Well the end of the school year is quickly approaching. Less than 2 months away. I cannot believe that at that point I'll already have 2 years of teaching under my belt. I've learned so much but I know that there is still so much for me to learn and more importantly implement. That's one of my biggest struggles, finding ways to implement all my ideas and following through. Two weeks ago I had parent-teacher conferences. For the most part they were okay. There was one of them that I was expecting to not be great and it lived up to my expectations. There was just a lot of questioning done by the parents (mainly about how I do things). It's hard when I have to justify everything I do. I feel like that it has been that way lately. There have been days in the last month when I've really felt defeated and that there is so much I have to do, that I just cannot find a way to get it all done. It's hard when it seems like everything just comes crashing down at once. I know that I have support from fellow teachers, but there have been times when others have let me down.
I was just looking back at some of my previous posts (not that there have been very many) and I noticed that one where I mentioned about going to see a Christian counselor. I am still doing that; however it's been almost a month. I've only been able to see her three or four times since the beginning of 2009, not quite as often as I would like. The hardest part is to remember what happens in the in-between times that I want to talk with her about. There are some things I'm still struggling with. Some times I'll still feel very alone and like I haven't made much progress in the almost 2 years I've been in Oklahoma. It's also been hard because some of the activities I'm involved in (choir, worship team) Kate isn't in anymore. So when I go to these things I have to find a way to still feel like I'm fitting in. It's a hard role and something I don't like to do. I still have a tendency to compare myself with others. When I hear or see that someone else was invited to something, but I wasn't, I start to ask myself why? I really struggle with this. I just wish that I could feel like more people than just Kate were willing to make an effort and include me. However, I know that it goes both ways. That's the hard part; I don't know how to make that first step. I want others to approach me. I think to myself, "well afterall, haven't they lived her longer? shouldn't they have more ideas of what to do?" It a battle that I constantly play with myself. Thankfully I've got an appointment for Tuesday, so hopefully I'll be able to make a little more progress. I've learned though that it's not going to happen overnight. It's a slow one.
Well the end of the school year is quickly approaching. Less than 2 months away. I cannot believe that at that point I'll already have 2 years of teaching under my belt. I've learned so much but I know that there is still so much for me to learn and more importantly implement. That's one of my biggest struggles, finding ways to implement all my ideas and following through. Two weeks ago I had parent-teacher conferences. For the most part they were okay. There was one of them that I was expecting to not be great and it lived up to my expectations. There was just a lot of questioning done by the parents (mainly about how I do things). It's hard when I have to justify everything I do. I feel like that it has been that way lately. There have been days in the last month when I've really felt defeated and that there is so much I have to do, that I just cannot find a way to get it all done. It's hard when it seems like everything just comes crashing down at once. I know that I have support from fellow teachers, but there have been times when others have let me down.
I was just looking back at some of my previous posts (not that there have been very many) and I noticed that one where I mentioned about going to see a Christian counselor. I am still doing that; however it's been almost a month. I've only been able to see her three or four times since the beginning of 2009, not quite as often as I would like. The hardest part is to remember what happens in the in-between times that I want to talk with her about. There are some things I'm still struggling with. Some times I'll still feel very alone and like I haven't made much progress in the almost 2 years I've been in Oklahoma. It's also been hard because some of the activities I'm involved in (choir, worship team) Kate isn't in anymore. So when I go to these things I have to find a way to still feel like I'm fitting in. It's a hard role and something I don't like to do. I still have a tendency to compare myself with others. When I hear or see that someone else was invited to something, but I wasn't, I start to ask myself why? I really struggle with this. I just wish that I could feel like more people than just Kate were willing to make an effort and include me. However, I know that it goes both ways. That's the hard part; I don't know how to make that first step. I want others to approach me. I think to myself, "well afterall, haven't they lived her longer? shouldn't they have more ideas of what to do?" It a battle that I constantly play with myself. Thankfully I've got an appointment for Tuesday, so hopefully I'll be able to make a little more progress. I've learned though that it's not going to happen overnight. It's a slow one.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Birthday plans????
So my birthday is coming up in about 3 1/2 weeks, and I'd really like to do something for it. It may seem early to worry about making plans, but I leave a week from this coming Saturday for Minnesota and won't be back until 2 days before my birthday. I just really don't know what to do. I almost wish that I didn't have to do the planning, that someone else would throw a party for me. However, that is probably wishful thinking. Kate did mention a couple of months ago that another co-worker had mentioned to her about throwing a party for me, but I haven't heard anything else lately. It's just that my birthday tends to be "downer" and I really don't want it to be this year. Because it's a holiday, usually growing up it was spent with family. This is going to be the first year that I can think of that I'll be away from my family for it (except for the year I was in Europe, but that one was bad too because plans ended up not happening). Even last year I was still home for my birthday. I just don't want to end up spending the day by myself at my apartment. I guess I just need some inspiration and aknowledgement.
Monday, November 17, 2008
some more thoughts
So I'm currently reading a novel about a plus-size Christian women who starts to write a blog. I've felt inspired by this novel to start writing in my blog more. I'm going to start with an update on things that I mentioned in my last post.
Around the start of October, I finally had the courage to contact a counselor. I finally felt like I really needed to see someone to discuss my feelings. A few weeks later I meet with a Christian counselor for the first time. Most of my session was spent crying; however, it went very well. I'm meeting with her for the second time tomorrow. At the end of the session my counselor suggested that I definitely continue to counseling sessions. She also believes that I have dysthymia, which is a form of depression. Basically it's chronic depression; meaning that I've had the symptoms for many years, just not necessarily at a severe level. Once she told me about this and after doing more research on my own, it seemed like a good fit. I felt like there was finally something to explain all feelings and mood changes. I've since been put on an anti-depressant (for a little over a week now). I cannot tell a huge difference yet, but I did notice that this weekend when I felt kind of bummed, I didn't cry. That was a strange feeling for me.
Now onto another topic, school. The school year is now more than 3/8 of the way done. Six more school days until Thanksgiving break. I'm working on staying on top of things. Lately I feel like things just haven't been normal. The past few weeks have been filled with special projects and activities. Sometimes I worry that we're not accomplishing much or that things are too boring. I don't like feeling like the students aren't involved in the class at all. I'm just really trying to stay positive and focused. I also still have the tendency to wait until the last minute to do things. I don't plan very far ahead, at least not on paper. Usually I'll have some long term plans in my head, I just don't write them down.
Well that's all I'm going to write for now. Hopefully I'll write more again soon.
Around the start of October, I finally had the courage to contact a counselor. I finally felt like I really needed to see someone to discuss my feelings. A few weeks later I meet with a Christian counselor for the first time. Most of my session was spent crying; however, it went very well. I'm meeting with her for the second time tomorrow. At the end of the session my counselor suggested that I definitely continue to counseling sessions. She also believes that I have dysthymia, which is a form of depression. Basically it's chronic depression; meaning that I've had the symptoms for many years, just not necessarily at a severe level. Once she told me about this and after doing more research on my own, it seemed like a good fit. I felt like there was finally something to explain all feelings and mood changes. I've since been put on an anti-depressant (for a little over a week now). I cannot tell a huge difference yet, but I did notice that this weekend when I felt kind of bummed, I didn't cry. That was a strange feeling for me.
Now onto another topic, school. The school year is now more than 3/8 of the way done. Six more school days until Thanksgiving break. I'm working on staying on top of things. Lately I feel like things just haven't been normal. The past few weeks have been filled with special projects and activities. Sometimes I worry that we're not accomplishing much or that things are too boring. I don't like feeling like the students aren't involved in the class at all. I'm just really trying to stay positive and focused. I also still have the tendency to wait until the last minute to do things. I don't plan very far ahead, at least not on paper. Usually I'll have some long term plans in my head, I just don't write them down.
Well that's all I'm going to write for now. Hopefully I'll write more again soon.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Just putting some of my thoughts down...
I honestly don't think that anyone reads this; however I just really need to put down some thoughts and feelings. These last 3 or so days have been difficult for me, especially at night. I find it so easy to let the tears just pour out. I start to look at things so negatively and then as a result I think back on things and look at them negatively too (even though there is no reason to). A few months ago I was really struggling with things. It was getting closer to the end of the school year, which resulted in quite a bit of stress, and I was just having a really difficult time. I felt really lonely. This went on what seemed like pretty constantly for a few weeks. Shortly after this my principal approached me with some concern and I was seriously considering getting some help. Then it seemed like things got better for a while. Since then, there have been a bad day here and there, but nothing really constant. However, over the last couple days, I've been going back and thinking about that time. A lot of my concerns, fears, worries, thoughts, feelings, etc. from a few months ago just seem like they come rushing back and even combine with new ones. I'm really struggling with whether or not my feelings and emotions are a result of my circumstances or if there is a deeper issue. If there is a deeper issue, I'm sort of afraid about getting help. Or I'm worried that if I seek help, I'll be told my emotions aren't really valid and are just petty. I just wonder when I'm going to get out of this "funk." It's emotionally draining and I can see it affecting other parts of my life too. It's hard to be alone.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Monday, August 27, 2007
A request finally answered....
So I had a request from Shannon at least a couple of weeks ago to update this thing. Well I'm finally getting around to it. Things have just been a little busy and I usually don't know what to write.
School has started. I'm now into the second full week. So far things are going well. Sometimes I get a little frustrated with my students because they won't stop talking. They just know each other so well, so they feel the need to talk pretty much whenever they get the chance. Some days are better than other. I'm getting into the swing of planning and staying sane at the same time. I haven't done a lot of graded yet, but I'm sure in the next couple of weeks, it's going to really increase. I know that I could have been more prepared for the school year, but it's so hard to know how much you have to do before your first year. It's one thing they don't prepare you for in college. They also don't prepare you for field trips. I've got to plan some for this year, and I honestly don't have a clue about where to go or really how to go about planning it. Tonight was "Back to School" night, which is basically a big open house. I had to do a presentation to the parents of my students about what we are going to cover this year. Unfortunately I didn't get thought all of my presentation. But I had a hand out for my parents, so they can look at that. A lot of the parents seem really focused on challenging their student. So I'm really going to have to find ways to do that, without getting to stressed and overwhelmed. Okay, enough about school.
This weekend I'm flying to Albuquerque for my nephew's baptism. I cannot wait. I'm looking forward to seeing him and lots of other family. Unfortunately it's going to be a quick trip. But it should be a nice break from school. Kate seems to do a good job of not letting me get to consumed by school. It's nice to know someone down here. I sometimes wonder if I'd be doing stuff with other people as much if I didn't already know someone. Once in awhile I do get lonely. I think I'll always have that problem. Sometimes I'm okay with being alone; other times I get so depressed about it. I just looked around my apartment and remembered that in addition to the busy days and evenings I have this week, I also have to clean up my apartment by the time I leave on Saturday. My parents, grandparents, and younger brother are bringing me back on Monday from New Mexico and they're staying here. Right now there is pretty much just a path to walk from one room to the next and to the couch. It's really pathetic.
Well that's enough for now. I splurgged tonight and went to Wal-mart and bought three new books. I really needed some new books to read and after the last couple of busy days, I felt like I deserved it. I'm going to do some reading before bed, then sleep like a baby.
School has started. I'm now into the second full week. So far things are going well. Sometimes I get a little frustrated with my students because they won't stop talking. They just know each other so well, so they feel the need to talk pretty much whenever they get the chance. Some days are better than other. I'm getting into the swing of planning and staying sane at the same time. I haven't done a lot of graded yet, but I'm sure in the next couple of weeks, it's going to really increase. I know that I could have been more prepared for the school year, but it's so hard to know how much you have to do before your first year. It's one thing they don't prepare you for in college. They also don't prepare you for field trips. I've got to plan some for this year, and I honestly don't have a clue about where to go or really how to go about planning it. Tonight was "Back to School" night, which is basically a big open house. I had to do a presentation to the parents of my students about what we are going to cover this year. Unfortunately I didn't get thought all of my presentation. But I had a hand out for my parents, so they can look at that. A lot of the parents seem really focused on challenging their student. So I'm really going to have to find ways to do that, without getting to stressed and overwhelmed. Okay, enough about school.
This weekend I'm flying to Albuquerque for my nephew's baptism. I cannot wait. I'm looking forward to seeing him and lots of other family. Unfortunately it's going to be a quick trip. But it should be a nice break from school. Kate seems to do a good job of not letting me get to consumed by school. It's nice to know someone down here. I sometimes wonder if I'd be doing stuff with other people as much if I didn't already know someone. Once in awhile I do get lonely. I think I'll always have that problem. Sometimes I'm okay with being alone; other times I get so depressed about it. I just looked around my apartment and remembered that in addition to the busy days and evenings I have this week, I also have to clean up my apartment by the time I leave on Saturday. My parents, grandparents, and younger brother are bringing me back on Monday from New Mexico and they're staying here. Right now there is pretty much just a path to walk from one room to the next and to the couch. It's really pathetic.
Well that's enough for now. I splurgged tonight and went to Wal-mart and bought three new books. I really needed some new books to read and after the last couple of busy days, I felt like I deserved it. I'm going to do some reading before bed, then sleep like a baby.
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