not sure.....

As I begin this post, I don't really have anything specific that I'm planning on writing about. Perhaps as I just write random thoughts down, something "profound" will come to me.

So the school year is drawing to a close. There are just over 3 weeks left. I cannot quite believe that I'm almost done with my second year of teaching. Almost exactly two years ago, I was getting ready to come down and visit the school. At times it seems like that wasn't that long ago, then other times it seems like it was ages ago. So often I feel like it's been ages since the days of college. I feel like it's been so long since I've seen so many of my college friends, and in many ways it has been a long time. I miss the fun times we would have with each other. I miss the hanging out together and just talking. I think it's also harder, because I don't know when I'll see them again. I struggle with whether or not I'm making enough of an effort. I wonder if they would be more willing to come and see me, if I tried to see them more. It's so hard, because then I think "For some of them, I've been to where they live" or "they get to see each other more." Sometimes I just wish that someone else would make the effort. Since I've been here, I've had one person come and visit me and that was for less than 24 hours. I understand that I'm a little farther away. I'm not less than 4 hours away, so it cannot be just a quick weekend trip. But it would be nice if someone still should an interest. I guess maybe I need to express more of an interest in seeing them; letting them know that I still care about them and that I'd still like to stay in contact with them. I just sometimes worry that it's too late. It's just something that I go back and forth with a lot in my mind.

Add on top of that, the feeling like I just don't fit in quite yet around here. I still so often feel on the outside looking in. And when I try to push myself in, things just don't work the way I planned, or want them too. My counselor has mentioned on more than one occassion that I've got to go out of my comfort zone if I want to meet new people. But it's just so uncomfortable some times. Sometimes, even around the people I'm close to, I feel like a burden, like I'm depending on them too much. I don't want that to happen. It's just that sometimes I just want to scream "you just don't get it." I just want to not only know that people care, but I want to SEE it too. I want to see it in their willingness to spend time with me and to help me through things. It's just so hard, that as I sit here at school, I'm thinking about the fact that I have to go home tonight, with not exciting to do and no one waiting for me, no one to really care about my life after the school day ends.

Well, that's all for now. I'm going to check flight prices for flying to Minnesota this summer. I really need to buy my tickets, since I'm planning on leaving June 2nd.

Easter

So Easter has always been on of my favorite holidays, one of my favorite days to spend at church, but this year I really realized how much I enjoy it, how much I enjoy the message and the music. I think realized it because I missed the church services. Sunday morning I woke up at about 5:30am and felt sick (like with the stomach flu). I ended up not being able to go to church, which included not being able to sing in the choir or play in handbells. I was really bummed about it, and still kind of am. It's just one of those days I was really looking forward to and now I have to wait another year for it to come around again. I felt bad because I wasn't there for handbells; thankfully my part in the song wasn't too difficult and they were able to get a last minute sub for me. I just really missed it. So instead I spent that day at home laying on my couch. Kate and Dave did stop by between services to drop off some Sprite, crackers, and soup and to see how I was feeling. I was really glad to see that they stopped by and really appreciated it. I just really showed me that they care.

That brings me to another thing. A few weeks ago I got the book The Five Love Languages for Singles. Last Friday, I finally started reading it. I haven't gotten very far, but I did take the survey to figure out which love languages I am. I discovered that I'm "words of affirmation" and "quality time." Both of these tied for my highest score. Before I took the survey I wasn't really sure which one I'd be, but now that I've taken it, I can definately see how I fit under these two catergories. Now I just need to read more of the book to find out more. But I realized how important it is for me to know that people care about me through their words and actions. I need people to say good things about me. I need people to spend time with me, time where I know they're listening and paying attention. I want to feel included. So far, in just taking the survey, I've already learned stuff about myself. I hope that it will help me as I deal with a lot of things.

Well I need to get some grades put into the computer, since progress reports go out on Friday.

glad it's over

So since about Thursday evening I've been really worried about handing back my students' latest math test. Largely because one of my students did poorly on it and her mom hasn't been my biggest "fan" all year long. I was worried that when she got it back, that I would end up getting a "lecture" from the mom and then possibly even questioned by the principal. I decided that I needed to be proactive and address the situation head on. Because of that, I not only let the student fix her test, but also do some extra credit assignments to raise her grade. I also decided to talk with the mom myself before her daughter even came home with the assignment. Originally I was just going to send her an email, but she was up at the school today, so I took the opportunity to speak to her face to face. It actually went pretty well and I'm hoping that I don't hear about it in the future. Overall, I'm glad that this part of the day is done with. I was really worried about it last night and it contributed to my falling asleep rather late.

Last night I also took a while to fall asleep, because I was thinking about "relationships" and how I've never been in one. Sometimes I just feel so pathetic and wonder if it's ever going to happen. I know that this isn't a new thought for me, but it just hasn't been bothering me much lately, especially like it did last night. It lead me to tears and I don't cry much anymore. It's just that somedays I feel so lost and alone, still. I know I've got to stop the negative thoughts, because they don't get me anywhere. But sometimes I just want to scream them all at the top of my lungs, so people would maybe understand and show that they care.