these days

I decided to update this since it's been awhile. There have been some tough moments for me during the last couple of weeks. A really low point was Tuesday of last week. I went to a credit union and a bank to get pre-approved for a car loan. Well lets just say that I didn't get very good news. Basically I won't get approved for a loan (or at least not for theamount I need) because my debt to income ratio is too high. This means that my debt (rent, student loans, and credit card payments) is too high of a precentage of my monthly gross income. This news really upset me. I ended up calling my parents crying. After talking with them for a while, I figured that I might just wait a little longer before getting a car. And when I do get one, I might not be able to get a new one; I might have to go with a used one instead. It was just really hard because I had got my hopes up that I would have a new car by this time. Part of the reason I was so upset, was that I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up too much, because usually something goes wrong. It's also been hard to explain to people that I told I was going to get a new car, that I'm not going to be getting one right now. I've been trying to explain it in a quick way that doesn't make me sound dumb for not really looking into the money situation more in-depth beforehand. Now I also know that I'll have to explain it and rehash it all with my counselor at my appointment next week.

I've also had a fews days in the last couple of weeks that I've felt really lonely again. Part of it is because Kate wasn't around last week, so I didn't really have anyone to do stuff with. Thankfully I was working in the preschool 4 hours a day, so that consumed some of my time. Also, I was invited over a to some church friend's house for dinner on the 4th of July. If I hadn't been invited by them, I don't think I would have done anything. I would have ended up just sitting at home. Also the other night (Wednesday) I was really down, because I thought that Kate was made at me. I thought that she was ignoring me. I assumed that because she wasn't answering the texts that I had sent a few hours before, that she was mad at me and ignoring me. I, of course, cried over this. Part of me knew that I shouldn't automatically assume that, but another part of me just felt like crying. It was another hard night. I ended up being wrong. She wasn't mad at me and she wasn't ignoring me. She had just been busy with her husband. I just wish I could have not let things bother me so much.

School meetings start one month from today. I've got a lot to get done in tha amount of time. Plus I'm also going to New Mexico in less than 3 weeks. I cannot wait!

Summer so far

It's been a while since I've updated this, so I thought that I'd write some about what's been happening this summer so far. After getting my classroom cleaned and going to meetings, I flew up to Minnesota for about 2 weeks. I got up there on June 2nd. The first few days I got to help with haying and cleaning the house (to get ready for my brother and his family to come). I spent some time raking hay and unloading hay with my dad and younger brother. Nothing to exciting happened the first week or so I was home. My brother and his family got there on Thursday the 11th. From when they got there till I left was pretty busy. That Friday we went to this Park/Zoo. Isaac and Rebecca really loved it. It was a lot of fun, especially the see the kids interacting with the animals. Isaac's shoe even feel into the badger pen. Thankfully a worker was able to get it out. Friday evening Isaac got his second hair cut. He did really well for it, and afterwards, we all kept saying how handsome he was.

On Saturday we headed for to my grandparents (mom's side). We got there at about 11am and didn't leave to almost 9pm. It was a long day, but it was good to see a bunch of relatives. One of the highlights of our time there, was my grandpa's golf cart that he uses to drive from the house to the pig barn. My cousins 7-year old daughter loves to drive the thing, so she took Rebecca and my brother for a ride. Then Rebecca wanted to ride it. Eventually my brother and his whole family rode it. Isaac even "drove" it. They kids just absolutely loved it. Shortly before we left, they wanted to go on one last ride. It was a great day of conversation and of course, FOOD!!!!

Sunday the 14th meant church. The kids were really well behaved for church. Then that afternoon is was time to hang out in Elgin at my other grandparents (dad's side). We spent most of our time playing at the park across the street. The kids had a great time playing on the equipment. Rebecca really loved being pushed on the swing by her papa (my dad). She also loved playing in the sand on the sand volleyball court. She even played in the sand while a bunch of the adults played volleyball. Volleyball was fun; it was good to get out and move around.

Monday morning quickly came. That day I headed back here to Oklahoma. I flew from Minneapolis to Denver and then Denver to Tulsa. Kate picked me up from the airport and then we hung out and talked at my apartment for over 2 hours when I got home. I didn't have a whole lot of time to relax because VBS was the next day (I missed the first day). I was busy helping Kate with music. Basically I spent 2-2.5 hours singing every morning. It was fun, yet exhausting.

This week I had a counseling appointment. I'm already trying to do something she suggested: making lists. I does seem to be going well. I've also been trying to work-out more. Kate and I worked out together a few times this week, and we are going to work-out tomorrow morning as well. I got a new phone with week and I know have unlimited texting, which is nice. I also went and test drove two cars on Wednesday. Now I'm just trying to decide between the two. I'm about 90% sure which one I'm going to get.

Well it's time to get some more things done.

thoughts on this saturday

It's Saturday, the second to last day of May. The school year has now been done for over a week. I've got my classroom cleaned and all my grades done. I've "checked out" at school for the summer. But I won't be gone for long. I'm going to be working up at the school this summer typing up learning objectives for reaccrediation next spring. Not really sure how long its going to take, but it's nice having a way to make money this summer. Today I'm doing my laundry over at Kate and Dave's house. I'm just chilling out watching TV. On the drive over here, my car started making some weird noises. I hope that it's just because it was a little overworked going so fast for about 20 minutes. I'm hoping that it doesn't make noises on the way back. Let's just say, when I get back from Minnesota later this month, I need to get serious about buying a new car. Otherwise it's going to be another miserable summer with the hot weather. I may end up taking a slower way home, so I don't have to drive so fast. I don't think that's the best thing for me to do in my car when it's hot out. I should also probably check my oil sometime soon. Luckily I'm leaving for Minnesota on Tuesday, so I won't have to worry about driving my car around for a couple of weeks.

I can't really think of anything else insightful to write right now, so I think I'll just end this.

observations

A few months ago (around the start of March) my principal came up with a "Plan for Improvement" for me, after some parent complaints (which the parents never first brought to me). One of the things on the plan was for me to observe the 4th grade teacher 3 times before the end of the year. At the time I wasn't really sure how I was going to do this, since her and I have the same planning periods, meaning the free time that I would have to observe her, she also doesn't have students. There are maybe 1 or 2 times a week, when I'm free and she has students. Anyways, I had pretty much forgotten about the observing. That is until today, when about 5 minutes after I get here in the morning, my pricipal comes in and asks if I've observed the 4th grade teacher yet. I say no and she says that I have to do it before the end of the year. At this point I'm still trying to figure out in my mind when I'm going to do it. This also made for a bad start to the day. Anyways, I later realized that my students have an extra "special" on Thursday afternoons. I decided that I could observe the 4th grade this afternoon. I ask the teacher if this would be okay and she said sure. I then let my principal know this by email. To that she responded that the plan said I have to observe the 4th grade teacher 3 times. I told her that we have the same planning period, so I don't think that I can fit it into my schedule before the end of the year (there is only 1 week left). My principal hasn't responded to that email. I know that I shouldn't have waitied until the last minute, but I honestly had forgotten about having to do the observations until this morning. I also get frustrated because the principal acts like the 4th grade teacher can do no wrong and it the world's best teacher and I know that isn't the case. While I know that I have things to work on, especially in the area of classroom management, I've seen problems with the 4th grade teachers classroom management too. I just feel like the principal thinks that the 4th grade teacher is just the best at everything and that I need to be just like her. Well I'm sorry, but I'm my own person and I have a different teaching style. It's just frustrating because sometimes I feel like I don't do anythingn right. I just do everything wrong and I'll never please anyone.

understanding why???

So for some reason, that last few nights have been kind of difficult for me. Especially last night. It seems like the crying is more frequent and easier. I just don't know why. Some of it's school related stuff. Some of it's relationship stuff. AGAIN!! It never seems to be anything new. I'm sure people are tired of hearing it. But it's just the way it is. This week is teacher appreciation week and it's making me feel kind of bummed. It's just one of those times when I start compare myself to others. I feel like I haven't gotten as many things. I know that we're not supposed to put too much value on material things, but it's just a concrete way for me to know that I'm appreciated. All these thoughts just keep running threw my head. I'm not sure that even some of them make sense. I just wish they did and that I could easily tell them to go away and that I would instantly feel better.

not sure.....

As I begin this post, I don't really have anything specific that I'm planning on writing about. Perhaps as I just write random thoughts down, something "profound" will come to me.

So the school year is drawing to a close. There are just over 3 weeks left. I cannot quite believe that I'm almost done with my second year of teaching. Almost exactly two years ago, I was getting ready to come down and visit the school. At times it seems like that wasn't that long ago, then other times it seems like it was ages ago. So often I feel like it's been ages since the days of college. I feel like it's been so long since I've seen so many of my college friends, and in many ways it has been a long time. I miss the fun times we would have with each other. I miss the hanging out together and just talking. I think it's also harder, because I don't know when I'll see them again. I struggle with whether or not I'm making enough of an effort. I wonder if they would be more willing to come and see me, if I tried to see them more. It's so hard, because then I think "For some of them, I've been to where they live" or "they get to see each other more." Sometimes I just wish that someone else would make the effort. Since I've been here, I've had one person come and visit me and that was for less than 24 hours. I understand that I'm a little farther away. I'm not less than 4 hours away, so it cannot be just a quick weekend trip. But it would be nice if someone still should an interest. I guess maybe I need to express more of an interest in seeing them; letting them know that I still care about them and that I'd still like to stay in contact with them. I just sometimes worry that it's too late. It's just something that I go back and forth with a lot in my mind.

Add on top of that, the feeling like I just don't fit in quite yet around here. I still so often feel on the outside looking in. And when I try to push myself in, things just don't work the way I planned, or want them too. My counselor has mentioned on more than one occassion that I've got to go out of my comfort zone if I want to meet new people. But it's just so uncomfortable some times. Sometimes, even around the people I'm close to, I feel like a burden, like I'm depending on them too much. I don't want that to happen. It's just that sometimes I just want to scream "you just don't get it." I just want to not only know that people care, but I want to SEE it too. I want to see it in their willingness to spend time with me and to help me through things. It's just so hard, that as I sit here at school, I'm thinking about the fact that I have to go home tonight, with not exciting to do and no one waiting for me, no one to really care about my life after the school day ends.

Well, that's all for now. I'm going to check flight prices for flying to Minnesota this summer. I really need to buy my tickets, since I'm planning on leaving June 2nd.

Easter

So Easter has always been on of my favorite holidays, one of my favorite days to spend at church, but this year I really realized how much I enjoy it, how much I enjoy the message and the music. I think realized it because I missed the church services. Sunday morning I woke up at about 5:30am and felt sick (like with the stomach flu). I ended up not being able to go to church, which included not being able to sing in the choir or play in handbells. I was really bummed about it, and still kind of am. It's just one of those days I was really looking forward to and now I have to wait another year for it to come around again. I felt bad because I wasn't there for handbells; thankfully my part in the song wasn't too difficult and they were able to get a last minute sub for me. I just really missed it. So instead I spent that day at home laying on my couch. Kate and Dave did stop by between services to drop off some Sprite, crackers, and soup and to see how I was feeling. I was really glad to see that they stopped by and really appreciated it. I just really showed me that they care.

That brings me to another thing. A few weeks ago I got the book The Five Love Languages for Singles. Last Friday, I finally started reading it. I haven't gotten very far, but I did take the survey to figure out which love languages I am. I discovered that I'm "words of affirmation" and "quality time." Both of these tied for my highest score. Before I took the survey I wasn't really sure which one I'd be, but now that I've taken it, I can definately see how I fit under these two catergories. Now I just need to read more of the book to find out more. But I realized how important it is for me to know that people care about me through their words and actions. I need people to say good things about me. I need people to spend time with me, time where I know they're listening and paying attention. I want to feel included. So far, in just taking the survey, I've already learned stuff about myself. I hope that it will help me as I deal with a lot of things.

Well I need to get some grades put into the computer, since progress reports go out on Friday.