Birthday plans????

So my birthday is coming up in about 3 1/2 weeks, and I'd really like to do something for it. It may seem early to worry about making plans, but I leave a week from this coming Saturday for Minnesota and won't be back until 2 days before my birthday. I just really don't know what to do. I almost wish that I didn't have to do the planning, that someone else would throw a party for me. However, that is probably wishful thinking. Kate did mention a couple of months ago that another co-worker had mentioned to her about throwing a party for me, but I haven't heard anything else lately. It's just that my birthday tends to be "downer" and I really don't want it to be this year. Because it's a holiday, usually growing up it was spent with family. This is going to be the first year that I can think of that I'll be away from my family for it (except for the year I was in Europe, but that one was bad too because plans ended up not happening). Even last year I was still home for my birthday. I just don't want to end up spending the day by myself at my apartment. I guess I just need some inspiration and aknowledgement.

some more thoughts

So I'm currently reading a novel about a plus-size Christian women who starts to write a blog. I've felt inspired by this novel to start writing in my blog more. I'm going to start with an update on things that I mentioned in my last post.

Around the start of October, I finally had the courage to contact a counselor. I finally felt like I really needed to see someone to discuss my feelings. A few weeks later I meet with a Christian counselor for the first time. Most of my session was spent crying; however, it went very well. I'm meeting with her for the second time tomorrow. At the end of the session my counselor suggested that I definitely continue to counseling sessions. She also believes that I have dysthymia, which is a form of depression. Basically it's chronic depression; meaning that I've had the symptoms for many years, just not necessarily at a severe level. Once she told me about this and after doing more research on my own, it seemed like a good fit. I felt like there was finally something to explain all feelings and mood changes. I've since been put on an anti-depressant (for a little over a week now). I cannot tell a huge difference yet, but I did notice that this weekend when I felt kind of bummed, I didn't cry. That was a strange feeling for me.

Now onto another topic, school. The school year is now more than 3/8 of the way done. Six more school days until Thanksgiving break. I'm working on staying on top of things. Lately I feel like things just haven't been normal. The past few weeks have been filled with special projects and activities. Sometimes I worry that we're not accomplishing much or that things are too boring. I don't like feeling like the students aren't involved in the class at all. I'm just really trying to stay positive and focused. I also still have the tendency to wait until the last minute to do things. I don't plan very far ahead, at least not on paper. Usually I'll have some long term plans in my head, I just don't write them down.

Well that's all I'm going to write for now. Hopefully I'll write more again soon.

Just putting some of my thoughts down...

I honestly don't think that anyone reads this; however I just really need to put down some thoughts and feelings. These last 3 or so days have been difficult for me, especially at night. I find it so easy to let the tears just pour out. I start to look at things so negatively and then as a result I think back on things and look at them negatively too (even though there is no reason to). A few months ago I was really struggling with things. It was getting closer to the end of the school year, which resulted in quite a bit of stress, and I was just having a really difficult time. I felt really lonely. This went on what seemed like pretty constantly for a few weeks. Shortly after this my principal approached me with some concern and I was seriously considering getting some help. Then it seemed like things got better for a while. Since then, there have been a bad day here and there, but nothing really constant. However, over the last couple days, I've been going back and thinking about that time. A lot of my concerns, fears, worries, thoughts, feelings, etc. from a few months ago just seem like they come rushing back and even combine with new ones. I'm really struggling with whether or not my feelings and emotions are a result of my circumstances or if there is a deeper issue. If there is a deeper issue, I'm sort of afraid about getting help. Or I'm worried that if I seek help, I'll be told my emotions aren't really valid and are just petty. I just wonder when I'm going to get out of this "funk." It's emotionally draining and I can see it affecting other parts of my life too. It's hard to be alone.

I'm a trying

I'm really trying to stay optimistic. It's just so hard. I don't know what else to do.