As I Wait

It's a Friday afternoon and school is done. I'm waiting for Kate to finished with extended care. We're doing a "Girls Night" with a couple of other women. It should be a fun and late night.

Well the end of the school year is quickly approaching. Less than 2 months away. I cannot believe that at that point I'll already have 2 years of teaching under my belt. I've learned so much but I know that there is still so much for me to learn and more importantly implement. That's one of my biggest struggles, finding ways to implement all my ideas and following through. Two weeks ago I had parent-teacher conferences. For the most part they were okay. There was one of them that I was expecting to not be great and it lived up to my expectations. There was just a lot of questioning done by the parents (mainly about how I do things). It's hard when I have to justify everything I do. I feel like that it has been that way lately. There have been days in the last month when I've really felt defeated and that there is so much I have to do, that I just cannot find a way to get it all done. It's hard when it seems like everything just comes crashing down at once. I know that I have support from fellow teachers, but there have been times when others have let me down.

I was just looking back at some of my previous posts (not that there have been very many) and I noticed that one where I mentioned about going to see a Christian counselor. I am still doing that; however it's been almost a month. I've only been able to see her three or four times since the beginning of 2009, not quite as often as I would like. The hardest part is to remember what happens in the in-between times that I want to talk with her about. There are some things I'm still struggling with. Some times I'll still feel very alone and like I haven't made much progress in the almost 2 years I've been in Oklahoma. It's also been hard because some of the activities I'm involved in (choir, worship team) Kate isn't in anymore. So when I go to these things I have to find a way to still feel like I'm fitting in. It's a hard role and something I don't like to do. I still have a tendency to compare myself with others. When I hear or see that someone else was invited to something, but I wasn't, I start to ask myself why? I really struggle with this. I just wish that I could feel like more people than just Kate were willing to make an effort and include me. However, I know that it goes both ways. That's the hard part; I don't know how to make that first step. I want others to approach me. I think to myself, "well afterall, haven't they lived her longer? shouldn't they have more ideas of what to do?" It a battle that I constantly play with myself. Thankfully I've got an appointment for Tuesday, so hopefully I'll be able to make a little more progress. I've learned though that it's not going to happen overnight. It's a slow one.